3 shifts of mind to easily attract ‘healthy love’ – by a psychologist

Love is often described as a battlefield, a puzzle or something that requires hard work to maintain. And while love requires effort, there is no need to feel like a continuous uphill uphill. In fact, healthier relationships often feel like a game – not because they have no challenges, but because both partners approach them with the right mindset.

If love feels exhausting, you may not need a new partner – you may need a new perspective. Here are three psychological shifts that can transform your love life and make love feel easier.

1. The shift from ‘profit’ love to share love

Many people get into the relationship believing that love is something they have to earn – being acceptable, attractive, successful or constantly proven their value. This mentality often stems from childhood experiences, where love felt conditional – giving them only when they met their expectations or satisfied others.

However INVESTIGATION On the “theory of Vetevendosje” in romantic relationships suggests that healthy love and fulfillment is not a reward for good behavior-is a common experience built on autonomy, respect for autonomy and mutual investment.

When you believe that love should be gained, relationships feel like a performance. You can:

• Overingextend yourelf To keep your partner happy, even at your expense.
• Avoid expression of needs Fearing not being “too much”.
• Feel anxious About whether you are “doing enough” to deserve love.
• Fight with bordersBelieving that saying no can make you less loved.

This transactional approach is emotionally exhausted and creates a sense of protection than openings. Vetevendosje theory points out that the optimal functioning of the relationship is the result of partners who feel free to invest in each other authentically, rather than trying for approval.

So, instead of trying to gain love, move on to the sharing of love. It means recognizing that love is not a prize to win, but a dynamic, created experience. When you embrace this mentality, you:

• Display as your authentic selfinstead of forming yourself in what you think your partner wants.
• Recognize your needsDesires and emotions as valuable as your partner.
• Give love freely– Not for fear, but because it feels good to do it.
• Allow yourself to get love Without asking if you “deserve” it.

Love feels easy and exciting when you stop treating it as a test and start experiencing it as a gift-one that you and your co-partner-create with openings, originality and mutual care.

2. Transfer from ‘Reading Mind’ to Direct Communication

Many relationship conflicts stem from the unspoken reception that a partner must know what we need, feel or want. When they do not do this, disappointment is built, leading to bad communication, passive-aggressiveness and dissatisfaction. However, the research suggests that direct communication is essential to the stability of the relationship, while avoiding it creates unnecessary tension.

Some factors affect if people openly express their needs or keep them back. For example, INVESTIGATION published Communication research revealed that the uncertainty of higher relationships – when partners feel insecure about relationship status or future – makes people less likely to communicate directly to irritation.

When uncertainty is high, individuals may hesitate to express their concerns for fear of conflict or rejection. On the contrary, they could insist frustrations, waiting for their partner to notice and respond intuitively. But this strategy often fires, leaving partners confused and emotionally disconnected.

In contrast, researchers point out that greater intimacy promotes direct communication. When partners feel emotionally close and confident in their relationships, they are more likely to openly express their needs and disappointments, reducing the possibility of misunderstandings. This strengthens the idea that instead of assuming a partner should know, it is much more effective to communicate openly.

The study also found that people tend to express more irritation when perceived as particularly negative. However, waiting until disappointments are overwhelming can lead to high stress, emotionally charged than productive discussions.

Moreover, when a partner’s actions interfere with personal goals, individuals may be more likely to address the issue – but only if they see the intervention as important. This suggests that some partners can only communicate when tensions are high, rather than maintain consistent, proactive communication.

Here’s what you can do to facilitate the process for yourself and your partner.

• Declare your needs clearly. Instead of expecting your partner to guess your feelings, you can say, for example, “I have felt overloaded with housework. Can we share the tasks differently?”
• Clarify instead of assuming. Instead of thinking, “they are ignoring me intentionally”, you may ask, “You look confused today. Is everything okay?”
• Communicate before tensions escalate. Do not wait until disappointments are built – address minor concerns early, so they do not turn into major conflicts later.

When both partners throw the game of guessing and prioritizing clarity, love becomes easier, safer and much less stressful. Instead of feeling like you are walking in the egg shells, you create a relationship where honesty and opening become the norm.

3. Movement from ‘Profit’ in understanding

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but as you approach it determines whether it strengthens your connection or erodes it. Many couples fall into the trap of disagreement treatment as battles to be won, believing that the test of a point will restore balance.

Anyway, a 2016 study Published in The newspaper of personality and social psychology It shows that it is not a conflict itself that damages relationships – it is the feeling that it is not understood to cause more damage.

Seems a winning or lost conflict mentality:

• Arguing to try a point than to find a resolution.
• Termination or closing of your partner’s perspective instead of trying to hear.
• Keeping the outcome of past errors as ammunition instead of addressing the current issue.
• Feeling protection instead of waiting for what your partner is saying.

This dynamic creates tension, dissatisfaction and emotional distance. Even if you “win” an argument, you risk your partner feeling unheard of, rested or defeated. And in a healthy relationship, if a person loses, both people lose. Feeling understood can buffer against the negative effects of conflict, strengthening emotional security and connection.

Remember, understanding does not mean to agree with everything your partner says – means respecting their perspective and prioritizing control. Here’s what this change in practice looks like:

• Listen to understand, not just to answer. Instead of thinking about your argument while your partner speaks, focus on listening to them. Try reflecting what you are saying, “So what I’m hearing is that you feel overloaded when you dismiss your worries. Is it right?”
• Accept their perspective, even if you disagree. Assessment does not mean delivery. To say, “I can see why you feel like that” does not mean you are wrong – means to take care of their emotions.
• Refresh the conflict. Instead of looking at the conflict as “I against you”, look at it as “we against the problem”. This creates a team mentality rather than an opponent.

Love gets easier when disputes no longer feel like threats, but rather moments of deeper bond. Love is not meant to feel like an endless war. If it happens, it’s worth asking: Is the relationship really difficult, or is it my approach making it more difficult than it should?

Has your relationship most exhausted or exciting recently felt? Get supported by science The degree of satisfaction of the relationship to discover.